Navigating Divorce
19.5.22
This is the first time in the last six months since I’ve asked for a divorce that I’m actually sitting down to write out my feelings to you. I know that I’m never going to send it to you because I don’t want to give you the pleasure of knowing how much you hurt me.
I’ve just finished a short message interaction with you over trying to get your consent for Miri to see a new therapist. An effort that I’m making largely in order to try and help repair your relationship with her as well as to help her herself. But naturally we weren’t even able to have a straightforward civil communication about that without your cross questioning me and criticizing.
I want you to know that I hate you. I just hate you. I want to go far far away from you and never have to have anything to do with you ever again. Interacting with you even over simple technical matters just hurts me to the core. You see me as an object. As something to manoeuvre and mess around with. You don’t and never have seen the heart inside of me. The soul. Interacting with you has been painful for me since the day I met you and yet I never understood why. I feel like an idiot that I stayed with you for this long, but I’m grateful that I am getting away from you while there is still a bit of me left alive. There are tears streaming down my face as I write these words. My tears never touched you. It was just overreaction in your opinion.
I’m so sick and tired of having to deal with you. I understand now what they mean when they say get out of the marriage while you still have the energy to fight. I don’t know that I still have any energy left to fight.
I’m a soft and sensitive person. Do what the hell you want. Behave how you want. Answer to God about the way you treat me or the kids. I’m sick and tired of you. I don’t want anything more to do with you. You will never get it. You will never understand me anyway. I’m not interested in trying to please you. And I hate the fact that I’m too kind to hurt you back.
You have not changed and never will. You will never ever face or see your shortcomings. But you will continue to criticize mine until you find someone else to let your negative energy out on. I feel sorry for that or those people whoever they might be, but I’m now focused on trying to save my own life.
I’m not even sure exactly what or who I am trying to save anymore. Not sure that I even know who I am or what I want or what to think. So I’m trying just to breathe and exist and trust that somehow I’m going to see my way out of this hell. I believe that for some reason this is a path I had to travel and ultimately it will lead me to where I need to be if I let go of the resistance. So I’m letting go. I’m just letting go.
17.8.22
Wow!!! I’m so excited to finally have a laptop that dear Daddy brought be last night.
It has been my dream to publish a book on lessons from the life of beloved Grandma. Bubby as we used to call her.
I’m in a sensitive stage of my life right now. I filled for divorce six months ago and I’m now living in ramot and still waiting for the divorce and childcare arrangements to come through.
19.922
It’s now 4.30am and I’m finding it hard to fall back asleep. The days events are replaying in my mind. I wrote to Yitzchok this morning telling him that I’d like to come into the home today between 2 and 5 and asking for his consent. (Not that I needed his consent, but I was trying to be decent). He asked me who I planned to come in with, to which I responded “whoever I want. Friends, tivuchim or buyers”.
At around 3 the first tivuch called to say she was outside the garden. I was upstairs in Korens house chatting to Avigayil my neighbour. It was comforting to hear her tell me that she’d always known things weren’t right with him and after she recently learnt marriage coaching she was convinced that he had narcissism.
I left her for a few minutes to go down and deal with the tivuch. I knocked on the front door of the house and turned to handle. It was locked. I didn’t bother waiting to see if he’d let me in. I knocked on Taube the opposite neighbours and asked to pass through their house to the back. The tivuch was a couple already in my garden talking to Yitzchok through a slightly open patio door. I welcomed them and opened to door wide for them to enter.
Taking them around the house was not easy. The place was dirty and messy and smelt stuffy and bad. It pained me to think that this is how the kids were living. I found it hard to believe that this was the place I called home until not that many months ago. Yitzchok followed me around standing right on top of me. I asked him if he could please give me a bit of space to show them around my home. He said it was our home and I he had every right to be there. I took some pictures as my lawyer had asked me too. This made him angry and he began berating me for my behaviour saying things like… its erev rosh hashono and look at you. He also asked me if I’d told the tivuch that he does not give consent to the house going up for sale.
The whole situation was painful and uncomfortable. There were no words between us. After they finished looking around I wished them goodbye, told them I’d be in touch and went back upstairs to my neighbour koren, telling Yitzchok that I’d be back soon with another tivuch.
I came back in two more times with two other tivuchim. Each round of the apartment was a painful ordeal, not to mention the embarrassment of taking them around such a bad smelling, dirty and messy place.
They made it clear that there was no way to sell the home under such conditions. All three of them reckoned that the place could be sold between 2.8 – 3 million. I was quite amazed that they were able to give such a price in such bad conditions.
After that I had a bit of an ordeal with my car because I realized that my batterys gurantee would run out if I drove another 50km without extending the guarantee. Kind Refoel let me borrow his old geared car and I left mine in his yeshiva meanwhile. Driving the kids around in a geared car was quite a challenge, but somehow I got through the evening with them and treated them all to shwarma before I dropped them back off at home.
They all expressed how challenging it is for them to live in the house and my heart really pained for them. At those moments it is so difficult not to fall into a place of guilt for leaving them and so to speak messing up their lives. It takes so much stamina to remind myself that this situation was not my choice but a place that Hashem let me to, and like with all other tests I must except this situation with love.
But now in the pre dawn hours as I relive todays scenes in my mind, and the way Yitzchok just stood there on the pavement for about 15 minutes staring at me as I was having a conversation with the last tivuch… now it’s all just heavy on me.
There is so much sadness, loss and helplessness surfacing in me. Sadness about the reality of the situation… all the coldness and disconnect… the inability for us to even have a civil conversation together. Loss at all the dreams and hopes and wishes of building a warm loving marriage, family and home, and helplessness at my inability to influence or rectify this situation.
And now that I’ve put my thoughts and feeling onto “paper” I’ll have another attempt to switch off my mind and try to get a little more sleep. I know somewhere deep down that I’m just a puppet on a string being taken on a journey that I know very little about. No level of thinking is going to help to put this situation right. That is not a key that was put into my hands. My job right now is just to breathe deep and trust that there is a plan that is way beyond me and to believe that I am being help in loving arms.
Tomorrow morning ie in a few hours, I’ll be going to see another flat in the area that the ramot tivuch asked me tonight if I’m interested in seeing. Tzivy and Shimon are seriously thinking about joining me in this area and aske me to look out. The thought of having them near by and being able to help them out with my precious little grandson Netanel really warms my heart.
Thank You Hashem for the way in which you sweeten even our most challenging moments in ways which only You are capable of doing.
2.10.22
2nd Oct 22 Court
After three months of the children having to stay sleeping in Kiryat Sefer and only being with me in day time hours of half the week and every second Shabboss, was finally the long awaited court case as to weather my move to Yerushalayim would be approved of and what the kids sleeping arrangements would be.
His lawyer fought hard about the travel being bad for the kids and my instability as well as strange teenagers staying in my home. He wanted that the kids should only sleep with me one night a week.
The judge heard their claims and then looked at the file about the sale of the house.
She basically made a proposition…
She suggested that Yitzchok agree to letting the kids be with me for half the week and I agree to let him buy the house for the shamai price of 2.5 million. She told us to take a break outside the courtroom and to let her know our decision.
I had wanted the home to sell for 3 which is what the tivuchim reckoned it could be sold for. I was being asked to compromise on 250,000nis. It wasn’t easy, but there again it was only money, and if this was the thing that would get this ordeal behind us and settle things allowing us to move on then so be it. I agreed.
He however was not able to contemplate the thought of the children being with me for half the week. We came back into the court and his lawyer asked for a few more days to think about it. The judge did not agree to more time, saying either you decide or I’ll decide. They couldn’t come to a decision so the judge then ruled that the kids would be with me for half the week and with regards to the sale of the house, if we couldn’t come to some agreement about it we would have another hearing in January.
I left the court feeling grateful but drained.
Then I received a message from Boruch Moshe who had flown in for the day to support his brother. He asked if I’d be willing to meet with him privately. Half an hour later I was sitting with him in a café on Rishon L’zion beach.
He wanted to help wrap things up. He offered to top up 350,000nis from the 1.15 that Yitzchok was offering to buy the house. I appreciated his good will but told him that I wasn’t exactly sure how his offer would help. He asked me what I would be willing to do for Yitzchok in return. He suggested that I allow the kids to spend 5 days a week with him and two days with me. I looked him in the eye and told him that even if he offered me a million pounds I would never be willing to do anything that would harm the emotional wellbeing of myself of my kids. It wasn’t an option.
Thankfully the meeting ended on good terms but with no further conclusions.
On the drive home the kids called me one by one to hear the court outcomes. They were all delighted.
I must say that when I woke up the next day I acknowledged feeling so rich. When you are able to turn down 350,000nis in order to uphold your values, you feel rich indeed!
One thing that was still going to be a hurdle is that as a part of Yitzchoks fight against the children travelling he managed to insist on the fact that the children need accompanying of the buses to and from Yerushalayim. This is no easy feat, especially with Yitzchok making it very clear that he’s going to be following this up and going back to court if this requirement is neglected.
For the time being I’m making trips to and from with the car in order not to rock the boat at this sensitive time.
23.10.22
Court Decision
Although negotiations are still taking place over the sale of the house, I feel filled with gratitude at the fact that the judge has now given official agreement to my move to Yerushalayim and also to the children being able to spend half the week sleeping with me.
The day of court was an interesting one. Gratefully I got there early and in a calm mood. I sat with Esther my lawyer in the café outside for a short while and then we headed up to the court room.
The judge assessed the situation and proposed an offer…
She thought our situation could be resolved quite easily. She suggested that Yitzchok agree to the children sleeping with me in Yerushalayim half the week and me agreeing to sell him the house for 2.5 million instead of the 3 that I was asking for.
She told us to go out for a break to think about it.
It wasn’t easy. Agreeing just to give up on quarter of a million shekel when so many people were telling me to fight for more than half the house was no easy challenge. My lawyer was of the strong opinion that if this was what was going to end the negotiations fast and smoothly then it was worth my while. I agreed.
Yitzchok on the other hand was not able to swallow the fact that the children would be with me for half a week. He had suggested that they be with me for one night. So he asked the judge for more time to think about it, however the judge was not willing to do that.
So she ruled that the kids would be sleeping with me for half the week and I would take responsibity to get them to school on time.
1.12.22
Dear Judge,
After having read Yitzchoks claims about my lack of responsibility with regards to the children’s melave on the buses, I’d like to point out the following.
I have spent a lot of time effort and care to become acquainted with the regular travellers on the childrens specific but routes. I made personal contact with two or three responsible adults such as teachers who travel that route daily and were very willing to keep an eye on the children.
I have the phone numbers and am in contact with all the relevant melavim.
On days when the children miss that specific bus I personally drive them.
If we had a professional therapist on board they would verify that the children feel comfortable and safe with the current arrangement.
Furthermore, I’d like to point out that Yitzchok has sent Chaim 12, Eli 10 and Yossi 7 on the bus alone in the evening to the Ramot Shopping mall, giving Chaim the responsibility of purchasing shoes for Yossi and buying super for themselves. This is something that I personally would not have endorsed.
In addition, when Chaim 12 and Eli 10 were in England over Succot, Yitzchok allowed them to travel alone on a train across England at night with no ability to read English and without even a cell phone. By Devine intervention a Jewish student of my fathers was on the train and contacted us to let us know.
Unfortunately, there is little genuine concern about the children’s safety, and little willingness to come to a heskem, but rather a great deal of effort being exerted to topple me.
I have done everything in my hands to maintain the dignity of my children’s father but I now ask the judge to please help me to expose the truth of what is really taking place here.
7.12.23
Good morning Dr Segal,
After receiving the letter from Bet Din, I will try to convey my case as clearly as possible.
1. Although I have been hurt by what has happened over the course of our meetings (See below (A)) I am still willing to meet with you but unfortunately due to some large debts that I took upon myself at the time of the divorce I am unable to pay. You are welcome to check out my bank situation. I don’t receive a shekel of help from my ex and do not know how I will pay my rent this month.
A) After living with emotional abuse for over 20 years I was deeply hurt by the fact that you saw my ex calling me names and shaming me in your meetings. (I know you acknowledged this because you banged on the table numerous times and asked him to stop) You non the less stopped me from leaving the meetings and made no mention of his behaviour to Bet Din.
2. I am willing to do anything in my hands to help Blumy return to Avi Ezri including driving her there and back each day, but unfortunately this child is a trauma victim (see below) and no amount of bribe or encouragement is working. I am unable to physically take a child weighing over 50kg and physically carry her into the car. Similarly, I see, as a professional myself who has been working with trauma for over 10 years that no amount of rational talk can talk a person out of trauma. Need I tell you that there is no connection between the amygdala and the frontal cortex.
A) Blumy felt imprisoned in her father’s home over the past year. Given no leeway to visit her mother or married sister even on her birthday.
B) The home and phones were recorded and videoed round the clock and this had a bad effect on Blumy.
C) Blumy heard her father speaking negatively about her mother to teachers on the phone but denied it when questioned.
D) Blumy witnessed her father lying on numerous occasions.
E) Blumy witnessed Yossi her younger brother being physically dragged out of the car screaming. (This is on camera)
F) Blumy has since woken up crying with nightmares, dreaming that her father came to take her.
G) Blumy had next to zero relationship with her father prior to the divorce, however once the divorce process began her father began showing her affection even by force. She hated this and expressed it to me.
H) Blumy was physically hit and witnessed her brothers being hit by her father.
3. My main reason for feeling very reluctant to continue working with you Dr Segal, is because I am hurt about point 1 but even more so deeply disappointed about the lack of weight you are giving to the extent of Blumy’s trauma. You told my son in law that Blumy is imagining the danger, as her father has never actually abducted her. Seriously??! Furthermore, you mentioned that evaluation of Blumy’s trauma is Osnat Bar On’s responsibility as you yourself have never actually met with Blumy. This brings me to the next point.
4. Osnat Bar On met with Blumy for an initial intake in Modiin Illit. This intake took place on 11th September after Blumy had not been in contact with her father for a few weeks and was feeling relatively calm and also hopeful that she would be able to learn in a school in Jerusalem. After the second session with Osnat on 18th September Blumy came out of the meeting crying and saying that she’s not willing to return. When I questioned her she explained that Osnat had told her that from her experience it is likely that she will have to return to living part time with her father. This distressed her greatly and she felt misunderstood. After that we had a break due to the chagim and then the outbreak of war. On the 7th November Osnat asked to meet with Blumy. It was extremely difficult to get Blumy’s co-operation. I eventually succeeded in bringing Blumy to Osnat’s clinic but Blumy remained outside crying and refused to enter. Osnat witnessed this. I spent most of the hour talking to Osnat and explaining the situation and at the end of the meeting Osnat apologized to Blumy for her feeling misunderstood. After that Blumy reluctantly agreed to meet with Osnat once more but has since refused, asking for a different professional.
5. It is important for me to convey that Blumy, although only 10 years old, is a highly intelligent and intuitive child who also happens to have a very strong personality. Although I have a generally good relationship with her and she cooperates well with me, there have been times when I was trying to convince her to return to Avi Ezri that she walked out of the house at night and told me that she’ll manage on her own. I am fully aware of the nature in which a child can manipulate a parent but, in this case, being that I am the only adult in Blumy’s life that she trusts, I am unwilling to endanger my relationship with her or push her into a state of resistance or rebellion. I spent many years going through this same saga with my older children where I was torn between following my ex’s educational advice or listening to my intuition. Thankfully my older children thank me today for being the voice of sanity in their lives.
6. It is difficult for me to understand how after you Dr Segal told me that one cannot force a child as well as Osnat writing this in her report, I am being told that if I do not get Blumy to school in Avi Ezri I will not be given a hearing in Bet Din.
7. Despite all of the above mentioned I am willing to hear any of your advice but am unable to pay for sessions at the moment. I am also intending to sit with Blumy and explain to her that if she does not return to Avi Ezri after the Chanukah holidays she may be taken against her will to live in her father’s home or a dormitory. I hope that this “threat” will get her to comply and return to school temporarily until we are given a hearing in the bet din. This approach is counter intuitive but I see no other choice.
8. It’s sad that the caring, loving father who was told by bet din to visit his daughter twice a week has not only not come to see her but has also not sent her any money or gifts over the last six months. Similarly, when he was offered by bet din to come and take his daughter to live in his home he did not respond to that offer.
12.26.22
Divorced!
It’s now less than a week since receiving my divorce.
I’m feeling full of gratitude to be where I am today. It’s not to be taken for granted that I have a beautiful apartment here in Yerushalayim and have just opened the Bet Nechama girls house nearby.
It’s now early morning and it’s pouring with rain. Miri is still asleep downstairs, and Grey, our cat is eating her breakfast!
I’ve already been up for a while, chatted with a friend on the phone, and been over to check on Bet Nechama. The place is quite upside down coz the workers are still doing the final renovations and paint work, but hopefully that will be finished today and we’ll be able to get the rest of the furnishing in there.
Daddy and Mummy are still in the country but are now spending a few days with Gittel in Kiryat Sefer. Thursday, the day after receiving the get was a difficult day. I found myself unexpectedly and uncontrollably crying. All the pain grief and loss of a lifetime seemed to be surfacing. On the one hand I wanted to give myself the permission to just let out the pain and on the other hand I felt bad for Daddy and Mummy to see me like that. They were dealing with enough of their own pain. So I locked myself in the clinic and let my tears flow. At some point Mummy very sensitively asked me if I’d rather that they move out for a few days to give me some space. I agreed that it was probably a good idea as I was really in need of space.
So I spent the weekend in a small hotel in town together with a divorced young man that invited me for a quiet shabboss. I slept a lot which I was badly lacking. On Friday night we walked the wet streets of yaffo and the old city. It felt comforting to have a supportive tall man beside me and I was grateful for that. Shabboss morning we walked to the Kossel. I hadn’t been there for a long time. Too long. As I sat facing the huge stones, tears trickled down my cheeks, but peace rested in my heart. If felt like coming back into Mother’s arms after a long a tedious hike. I sat and davened for a long time, and eventually walked slowly back to the hotel.
It's difficult for me to even keep track of the number of angels I’ve seen in my life on an almost daily basis. I can’t keep track of them anymore, but I know that they’re always around me and every time I glimpse one, I just smile and say “Thank You Hashem”.
I’m lucky to have parents who raised me with Hashem as a real central presence in our lives. It’s a gift that I shudder to think how I would have weathered a storm like divorce without that gift.
In a couple of weeks I’ll be performing in the chanuka neshei show of Kiryat Sefer. A part of me thinks I’m crazy for agreeing to do it and another part of me is looking forward to standing on the stage and letting Kiryat sefer see that I haven’t run away, lost my mind, or fallen off the wagon! I’m here, living, happy and with it!!! Divorce is hard for our community to get their head around, but somehow it’s a reality that we need to make more space for.
So it’s true that the mizbeach cries, but somehow it feels like Hashem is saying… better that the mizbeach should cry then that a jewish daughter should suffer.
This divorce has been such a journey…
The marriage never felt right to me from the very start. But somehow, knowing that divorce just wasn’t an option, I spent 22 years trying to figure a way to make it work, to make what felt wrong feel right.
But at some point, life pushed me into a place that said… I can no longer go on like this, it’s just not an option. It was a frightening place to have to face. So much fear and unknown. So many questions. So much guilt and shame. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I make this work just like everyone else seemed to manage.
Therapists and councillors were confusing. Some seemed hopeful in the power of change and repair. Others seemed to know where this marriage was headed. But whatever the case, the journey remained painfully my own.
I’ll write more about this when I’m ready to. But for now I’m gonna take a little nap before I see my first client.
7.19.23
No, I did not choose to abandon this family.
I chose to say NO to abuse because my life was at risk and I wanted to live.
I chose to end this marriage because I could no longer function within it.
I asked you to leave the home that I loved. You refused.
I chose to surrender and leave for the sake of peace.
Telling the kids to thank the mother who abandoned them won’t cut it with them.
Using to law to control and hurt the kids won’t work.
Chaim and Eli were put on a train across England at night alone.
Kids are sent alone on buses when it suits your convenience.
Denying confident 10- and 11-year-olds to travel alone to their mother because the LAW says they need accompanying won’t cut it with them. They see through it.
Recording and videoing the kids because the COURT told you to do so also won’t.
Denying them to travel abroad to visit their Grandparents.
Documenting what time they get to school each day when they’re with their Mother.
Not granting them the leeway of spending extra time with their Mother.
Jeopardising their professional help and extra curriculum activities.
Not acknowledging the distress of a child who wants to change school.
Not allowing them to visit their friends and relatives support families.
All these are not making the kids feel positively towards you.
I want my children to have a loving father.
I want my children to feel happy to spend time with you.
I want my children to have two homes where they can feel loved respected and content.
I want my children to feel seen, heard and safe.
16.8.23
This letter is a cry for help.
It's speaking up to expose a painful truth for the sake of saving a child.
I did not want to get to the point of having to speak up openly about the distressing situation that is taking place in my home but unfortunately after all alternative efforts have been exhausted I am left with no choice. I am a single mother who is witnessing lies and atrocities taking place and I am no longer able to keep quiet.
I got divorced less than a year ago after 22 years of struggling in a in a toxic relationship. That is a story in its own right, but not for now.
Of my nine children the four youngest were relevant to joint childcare three boys and a girl.
Due to my ex being unwilling to leave the home after I filed for divorce, I decided to pick up and leave so as to minimise the fight. The community I left was a heavier religious style than I would have chosen but I had agreed to live there. When we wrote up the divorce agreement I was already living in another community, more open but also religious. My ex wanted me to sign that the kids would remain in the educational system of the town in which they were raised, and I signed.
My 10 year old daughter in particular has had a very difficult time living with her father and it has taken constant effort on my part to encourage her to cooperate with the agreement.
Around a month ago she became totally unwilling to return to her father's home or to her school in that town.
I spoke with her teachers and school advisors who all claimed that she's in distress and it would make much more sense for a young girl to be living and schooling close to her mother.
My ex decided that I was estranging the children from him. He sent me a lawyer’s letter wanting to fine me for each day that his daughter wasn't with him.
I requested that we have a third party involvement to help us out but my ex declined, claiming it unnecessary.
The social services have wanted to help out for many months but my ex has refused their involvement claiming that the children will receive private help which meanwhile has never happened.
At this point the social services insisted that my daughter receive a psychological evaluation. My ex chose the professional he approved of and she met with my daughter several times.
The psychologist then wrote a report confirming that the child is not being influenced against her father but is actually very distressed about things going on in her father's house. She made it clear that one cannot force a relationship but it must be repaired wisely.
My daughter has been showing serious signs of distress each time she hears of the possibility of returning to live with her father. She feels like she has been held hostage in a prison for almost a year and now that she is out of there, she has trauma responses about going back.
She has gained a lot of weight and has been suffering from abdominal pains.
Her father has threatened to send the police to bring her back home and she has been waking up with nightmares about being abducted and taken by force back to her father.
After receiving more legal threats from his lawyer I turned to the police to ask their advice. I filed a report about the situation and they said they would send a child investigator to come and speak with my daughter. A couple of weeks later the police contacted me and told me to go to a certain centre for the investigation. I went there with my daughter the following day only to be told that there had been some misunderstanding and the police should have made an appointment prior to my coming.
Sometimes I feel like I’m in a horror movie. There’s nothing that I want more than have my children feel loved by two parents who care about them. It’s hard enough for me to see children feeling frightened and threatened by there own father and on top of that to have legal claims being made against me that I’m the one to blame for all this.
It seems my ex must have gone to the Bet Din regarding the situation as the next thing I knew was that I received a Bet Din Decision claiming that my ex hadn’t seen his daughter in a while and was blaming me for that. The Bet Din ruled that the father may visit his daughter twice a week.
31.8.23
Dear Honourably Court
Thank you for your referral to Psychologist Dr Segal who Bet Din requested we involve in order to solve the difficulty of our 10 year old daughters schooling for the coming year.
Dr Segal understood the situation well but was unable to get any cooperation from the girl’s father to allow change to the signed agreement and to allow the girl to attend a religious school in Jerusalem.
Dr Segal is of the opinion that it is crucial that the girl start the school year in any school for now no matter which in order to avoid her following in the steps of her older sister who has been out of school for almost a year.
I totally agreed with his opinion as well as his suggestion that the father collect our daughter and work to encourage her back to her previous school. In order to give this a fair chance I reluctantly agreed that my daughter could live with him in Modiin Illit until Rosh Hashana.
However, I would like to share with the honourable Dayanim that after leaving the meeting I cried the entire way home. This felt totally against my intuition after the child has been crying to me for over a month that she never wants to see her father again.
Non the less I decided to leave it to Hashem and did not say anything to my daughter about the decision as I had agreed upon in order to give it a fair chance to succeed.
My 10-year-old daughter was spending a few days with her married sister, my eldest daughter Tzivia in Bet Shemesh. The outcome was that the father travelled to Bet Shemesh and arrived at my married daughter’s home to collect the child. The child remained locked in a small bathroom crying for three hours until Dr Segal called and told my Ex that he could leave. Dr Segal also asked that my married daughter take Blumy to school in Modiin Illit the following morning.
I travelled to Bet Shemesh late at night to bring my daughter her school things. The child was clearly in great conflict and distress. Her father told her that he refuses to leave my daughters home unless she promises to be in school the next day. He also told her that the court had forbidden her to come to her mother’s home until Rosh Hashana. A clear trauma for her after she has felt imprisoned in her father’s home this past year due to his harsh unbending attitude. He often uses the law in order to frighten the children into obeying.
Honourable Rabbi’s! this is a ten-year-old girl who has been through a traumatic year in her life and has not received any professional help due to lack of cooperation from the father. This is girl whose older sister has been suicidal and even yesterday my fifteen-year-old wrote to me that her father had told her that she’s next on the list. She wrote to me that if her father comes anywhere near the home, she will take her life.
Its heartbreaking for me to even write these words, but I am not saying this to be dramatic. I am a woman who has suffered in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 20 years, and the abuse is continuing without any regard to the price that the children are paying.
I am seriously concerned that if my 10-year-old daughter is now forced against her will into a school that she clearly doesn’t want to attend and is forced to go back and live with her father, before long I will be left with two daughters like my 15-year-old G-d forbid.
I have done everything I possibly can in this past year to stay a strong mother to my children. I have supported my children emotionally and financially without any child benefit from my ex or help from the government. This was another thing that I signed to give in to not receiving child support from him as well as signing that the children will remain learning in Modiin Illit because I was under enormous stress and saw no other way out.
Please can the dayanim judge this situation with the seriousness of Pikuach nefesh.
The child was assessed by a psychologist at the father’s request two months ago. I am paying great deals of money for these assessments, but who is actually reading them? I will attach the report to this letter.
Unfortunately, I have heard that my ex is getting financial support from his brother to build a case of child alienation against me. They are seeing this situation as one would see a football game, trying to come out the winners. Sadly, there will only be loser’s as I am not in a fight. I care for my children and want to see them growing into emotionally healthy human beings and serving Hashem with joy.
I hope and pray that the Dayanim will hear the urgency of this case and my serious concern that if we don’t put this child into a school where she is happy to go willingly this will cause further decline to the already sensitive situation. This is a ten-year-old girl who is showing signs of distress living with her father and is asking to attend school near her mother’s home. The school staff and professionals all understand the situation. Rabbis and professionals have tried to get cooperation from the father but have all failed. The father is refusing to allow change to the agreement because this is a perfect opportunity for him to exert control over me even though it may cost us another child.
I have laid my case and am trusting the esteemed dayanim to take the decision. At least in the heavenly court I will know that I have done my utmost to protect the nefesh of my child.
The agreement clearly states that in matters of lack of agreement with regards to the children’s schooling, the school professionals will be asked their opinion. The girl’s previous headmistress told me clearly that she feels that Blumy should be schooling near me but claimed that she was legally unauthorised to give her opinion. I will attach her number in case the Dayanim would want to hear it from her directly.
Mrs Gottleib…
8.9.23
Esteemed Court
It’s difficult for me to write this letter but as a mother feel that I must do it for the sake of my children.
I was in a difficult marriage for 22 years. There were many occasions where I felt afraid of my husband and unable to express my own wishes. I always had a very close relationship with my children, many of whom suffered because of their fathers strict and controlling attitude. There were many occasions where my children shared things that they were doing behind their father’s back and were afraid of his reactions. On a number of occasions, I had to speak to Rabbonim and professionals behind his back and do things on my own for the sake of the safety and wellbeing of my children.
It took me many years to have the courage to end this marriage but eventually I had no choice as it had affected even my physical health.
At the time of the divorce, I did everything in my hands to compromise for the sake of peace including leaving the home that I had built and loved. I agreed to sell him the home at the lowest price, to give up on the childcare money, to allow children to continue learning in the town where he lived and agreed to take full responsibility for their travel to and from school.
All this was done in sincere hope that he would become a better father to our children and continue his life respectfully.
Sadly, within the first year since the divorce the children have been showing serious signs of distress.
They are not happy living with their father and express anger and hatred towards him. I have tried everything I could to encourage cooperation with the agreement but it is becoming increasingly difficult. In the past two months my 10 year old Blumy has refused to return to her father’s home and has asked to learn near where I live in Jerusalem. The father has not agreed and the bet din has appointed Dr Yaakov Segal to help settle the issue. We are seeing Dr Segal regularly but as of yet the matter remains unresolved. I have agreed to drive Blumy to and from school daily but this is something that will not be sustainable on the long term and Blumy is not happy being there.
To top off my distress I understand that the father is now building a case against me accusing me of turning his children against him. Sadly, many of the children have felt this way for many years towards him but he was either never aware of it or else chose to deny it.
Now as a divorcee it is so important to me that Bet Din understands that I am not in a fight of any kind. I sincerely wish that my children could spend half the time with their father as was agreed upon in the agreement. But sadly, my children are in great distress and as a mother who loves her children, I am left with no choice other than to bring this truth to the eyes of the bet din.
Today when I took my youngest child, Yossi age 7 back to his father, he put up very strong resistance not to go. Blumy age 10 who is currently living with me and refusing to visit her father was also with me in the car.
The scene when I got to the father’s home was very traumatic for me. The children were hysterical and not wanting me to stop the car by his home. When he came to the car they started screaming. Yossi was taken out of the car by force and Blumy, after witnessing it, is adamantly refusing to return to her school in Modiin Illit.
My children are living in fear and feeling very controlled by their father. He unfortunately does not seem to have any understanding of their emotional needs and their distress is being played out in their rebellion towards him and is some cases towards the religion.
I am writing in pain as the father is a learned person who gives lectures to others on how to raise children but sadly is not seeing the reality of his own behaviour towards his children.
Please can the Bet Din see and hear the distress of my children and appoint professionals to assess this situation and reconsider the living and learning locations agreed upon in the agreement.
I have attached recordings of todays incident so that the esteemed dayanim can see for themselves.
29. 11. 24
The truth behind the scenes.
To whom this may concern.
It is now almost two years since I signed the divorce agreement with the man I was married to for 22 years and had 9 children with.
This letter is to let out some of the pain and injustice that I have endured dealing with a so called talmid chacham.
I’ll begin by sharing the words I wrote after I filed for the divorce in 2022.
I've finally decided to take the brave and painful decision to leave the man I've been married to for 22 years.
To leave the man who's love I've never felt and who's brain I've never understood.
The man who I've tried for 22 years to please.
The man who I've suffered so much pain with and yet who i can't stop feeling sorry for.
The man who is a learned intelligent, polite and respected scholar.
The man who is the father of my 9 precious children.
The man who writes articles and gives speeches.
The man who is holy and godly and righteous.
The man who gives sterling advice to others about marriage, raising children and anything else.
I'm leaving the man who a relationship with has never felt right to me.
I'm leaving the man who was always too cold and clinical for me.
The man I cried about after every meeting in the engagement.
The man I felt uncomfortable with after I married.
The man whose touch never felt warm.
The man whose emotional responses always felt wrong yet I never understood why.
The man who I wondered if he even had a heart.
I'm leaving the man who I had to beg to kiss the children.
Beg, to spend time with me.
To tell me I was beautiful, wanted, cherished.
I'm leaving the man who blamed me for everything that wasn't right in our relationship.
I'm leaving the man who watched me struggle raising young children but always had good reasons why he was in bed or unable to help.
I'm leaving a man who I always felt that his books and religion were more important than me.
I'm leaving a man who let me go to sleep alone for years and yet blamed me for not having more time for our relationship.
I'm leaving a man who I craved an authentic word from.
Whose heart I tried to enter.
Whose approval I tried to seek.
Whose judgement I could never escape.
I'm leaving the man who wouldn't let me fly home to England to have my first baby.
Or any time after that for chagim with the kids.
I'm leaving the man who I changed my wardrobe for in order to move my kids to more religious schools against my intuition.
I'm leaving the man who criticized me for years but somehow, I was always apologising to.
I'm leaving the man who I never felt wholesome with but was told it's because of my issues.
I'm leaving the man who sent away my pet cat because of chometz that may come in on its feet on pessach.
I'm leaving the man who never supported me financially, but criticized the way I handled money.
I'm leaving the man who a relationship never felt right with but who told me that he was the most caring loving husband in the world.
I'm leaving the man who never came to visit me or hardly even called after my two surgeries.
I'm leaving the man who always has critical things to say about everyone but tells me I'm abusive.
I'm leaving the man who tells me that I'm unstable and imbalanced.
I'm leaving the man that has never stopped hurting me yet I've never stopped trying love.
I'm leaving this man because I'm finally learning to love me.
I'm leaving this man because my soul deserves basic respect.
Experiencing lies, hypocrisy, theft and abuse from a person claiming to be G-d fearing and representing Torah, threatens to eliminate any love or respect once felt towards Torah values.
I fight daily to serve Hashem and His ways despite every fibre of my being wanting to vomit this vile and abusive person’s behaviour and anything he represents. Many of today’s youth including some of my own children do not have the insight or strength to separate the truth from those abusive, ego filled people who claim to represent it, and therefor choose to distance themselves from all of it, in a desperate attempt to restore their sanity and inner voice.
This man has no shame, remorse or humility. No problem lying. He has a good tongue, charisma and intelligence. This man criticizes everyone including great Torah leaders and never ever admits to being wrong. He commits the very things he accuses me of doing at yet always seems to get away with it. He has no problem stealing and then denying his actions. Somehow, he knows how to talk his way out of things and gets away with it. Even when caught recording my interview with the court social worker he seemed to get away with it.
And here’s my next point. After all the years of control and emotional abuse I finally realized that professionals were right when they told me he had narcissistic behaviour traits and would never change his ways.
When asked to allow the psychologist to write up his character profile for the courts he refused.
Gratefully I eventually stopped allowing myself to be a victim and filed for divorce.
At the beginning of the proceedings, he made numerous false claims and accusation against me, including accusing me of running away for home and opening a mental institution for unstable people in my home asking that my children not be allowed to visit me.
This was after I’d asked him to leave the home but he’d refused. After I’d been about to sign on a house in the settlements outside of modiin illit but he’d refused, and after he’d been a partner in the work of helping youth in need for almost two decades but was suddenly claiming it to be bad for the kids.
Not to mention his lack of cooperation with the children’s schooling and therapeutic needs. Co-operation is a word that has never existed in interacting with him and likely never will.
Thankfully, when the proceedings were in the secular courts the judge seemed to see through this deceitful and manipulative person and gave court rulings in favour of the children’s schooling and therapy.
When the process moved over to the Rabbinic bet din for the purpose of the get and I was asked if I’d like to complete the entire agreement in bet din, I was sure that a rabbinic court would rule with at least as much justice and intelligence as a secular court. Sadly, I have been very disappointed and hurt and I would like to express the following so as to save others from anguish and illusion.
In the year 2024 any respectable family legal family system is well versed in basic understandings of emotional abuse, narcissism and neuro divergent behaviours. Especially in cases where children are suffering and there are serious signs of distress, such as eating disorders or suicidal behaviours.
Unfortunately, the bet din failed to pick up on any of this. I had two daughters out of school for extended periods, showing serious signs of distress and refusing to have any contact with their father.
The bet din comfortably referred us to a psychologist they recommended, costing a fortune (Which lawyers have commented to me that the bet din has financial benefit from). But even after the psychologist gave his recommendations for the parents to do an evaluation regarding their parenting capabilities, and for the children to receive therapy, the bet din lacked the backbone to reinforce that decision choosing to follow the father’s opinion that this was unnecessary.
The father continues to claim that I am turning the two girls against him, even after two psychologist evaluations have clearly stated otherwise. This claim allows him to stay in victim mode and unfortunately bet din have not understood this.
In section 24 of the agreement, it was agreed upon that in matters regarding the children where the parties were unable to reach an agreement, Rabbi Yaakov Hillel would make the decisions. Shortly after the divorce Rabbi Hillel told me that he was unwell and asked that we find another Rabbi to take his place. This was requested of the bet din but ignored.
At our last meeting in Bet din, he made claims about not having contact with the girls, again blaming me. I suggested that he should support them financially or at least try to show some care by sending them money or gifts. All that bet din could do was back his claims about the finances he was laying out for the other children.
With regards to Chaya 18, Eli 13 and Yossi 9. I have requested numerous times that they receive therapy but every effort has been futile. He comfortably claims that they are absolutely fine even though they are showing clear signs of emotional distress.
Since the divorce, Chaya has never been encouraged to come and spend time with me, not even my half of the week before she was 18. She made it clear as did other children testify that her father makes her feel bad for leaving him. I am greatly concerned about the impact this will have on her future and have begged that she gets good quality therapy.
Yossi 9 would like to spend half the week with me as agreed upon in the agreement, but because I took responsibility for the children’s travel as he refused to, he sees it as unnecessary to make any effort in assisting the children to get to or from Yerushalayim on days where I am unable to fetch them personally.
I have spent over two years driving them back and forth as well as paying for all their travel expenses as he made me sign on. Furthermore, Yossi feels perfectly capable and confident to travel alone and often resists having an adult asked to watch him. His father likes to harp about this as if it is the greatest crime, expecting me to find adults who have nothing to do with their lives other than for me to employ them as the children’s fixed accompanying people.
The fact that this same concerned father allowed Chaim, 12 at the time and Eli 10 to travel alone at night by train across England, without a phone or without speaking the language seems irrelevant.
The father now wants to claim money from me for the private mentoring the boys are getting. He has ignored my requests for their therapy and has never co-operated with a single therapeutic suggestion of mine or agreed to pay for anything.
This includes an occupational therapist evaluation for Yossi. Therapeutic swimming courses for all the children. Therapeutic horse-riding sessions. Music and art for the girls. Private therapy for all the children.
When I asked for his consent for Yossi and Eli to receive therapeutic horse riding, which was recommended by the doctor and the boys eagerly wanted to do, he claimed that the health insurance that I wanted to use towards the horse riding was supposed to be paying for them to have extra curriculum lessons. Now he is asking me to pay half of those lessons without any mention of the health insurance subsidy.
He has travelled abroad a few times with the children since the divorce and I have always willingly consented. I have never travelled with any of the children besides for Miri who has no contact with him, and even then, Miri has been through great distress trying to get his agreements for her travel. All other request to travel with other children have been rejected by him with all kinds of excuses about not wanting them to miss school.
He claims to be a knowledgeable advisor in giving guidance to parents who are dealing with challenged youth, and yet with his own children he puts their school attendance and punctuality above their emotional needs failing to see the basic emotional needs of the children. The word stability gets thrown around to make him sound good. He has often claimed that I am unstable, lying to professionals about me having personality disorders. This is a man who has spent most of his life being awake at night and sleeping most of the day. The kids often cry to me on the phone that he is asleep and they are alone. He has never held a stable job of been part of any stable learning institution.
Every interaction between us up until today is filled with words of gas-lighting and criticism, making sure I know that I am the one who has destroyed this family and who better start taking responsibility for my actions before he has to take serious measures against me.
There is more to say, but I will stop here. I have kept quiet for the past two years even though I had people encouraging me to report this to the secular press and let the world know just what a two-faced hypocrite a so-called Rabbi can be.
But for the love of Hashem and His Torah, and out of respect to my father who is a true talmid chacham and prominent Rabbi in England I have refrained from publicizing my views.
However, now that he is threatening to take me to court for turning the kids against him and wanting to claim money for things he says I ought to be paying without feeling any obligation to share in my expenses, always with good excuse, I feel the need to put the truth down on paper.
The Bet Din recently referred us to another professional who was supposed to be working on repairing the girl’s relationship with their father. I worked hard on getting their initial agreement after the therapist Inbal told me that she was not coming with an agenda but wanted the girls to be genuinely helped and receive therapy. However, within the first five minutes of the call with them, she told the girls that she was on a mission from the bet din to try and repair their relationship with their father. This immediately put up all their resistance, and I thought this was highly unprofessional and in contradiction to what she had told me on the initial meeting. When I questioned her about this, she denied having said such a thing. I had trusted Bet Din in their recommendations, but unfortunately due to the girl’s serious resistance and subsequent signs of distress after the first meeting, I will not be able to support continued treatment with this therapist.
Those who get it will get it, and those who won’t, won’t. Eventually the truth will speak for itself.
And just as an afternote…
He still lives in the illusion that the family is continuing as it always was under his singular management because sadly the unstable, irreligious mother decided to run away.
He will say that I have a personality disorder.
He will say that something got messed up in my brain after my last birth 9 years ago.
He will say that I had an affair.
He will say that I did bariatric surgery that made me get divorced.
He will not say that this marriage was never right but he refused to cooperate with any real therapy.
He will not say that I asked for a divorce many times but he told me there was no such option.
He will not say that he told me that if I just take one little pill then everything will be fine.
He will not say that I wanted a divorce after four children but went on to having another five believing him that I was doing what Hashem wanted.
He will not say that the reason some of his children hate him and want nothing to do with him is because they are sensitive souls who have witnessed the hypocrisy, control, lies and ego and want nothing to do with it.
Enough said.